i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
