please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
