at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
