my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
