In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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