I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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