So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
