What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
