I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
