is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
