i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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