I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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