Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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