Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
