I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
