Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
