I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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