Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
