hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
barbara walters just said penis...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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