What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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