Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
