We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
