He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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