you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
