you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
