thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize