Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
