I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
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Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
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I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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