An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the day after is always just damage control
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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