i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
