When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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