so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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