Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
4 words: hood of his car
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
