if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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