If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
