NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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