over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
