I could make wine with my vomit
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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