found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
