My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Of course I have a pirate flag
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
