you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
