you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
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Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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