Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize