ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
