i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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