I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You have to summon your inner elephant
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
