I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
