I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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