I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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