True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
should my penis look like a turkey
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
