is your mom at the bar?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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