My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
