I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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