she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
His hands were made for my vagina.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
