she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I need to calm my uterus...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
