i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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