This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
