why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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