I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
