i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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