my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
