i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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